Home Is Where the Heart Is
by Jistone
Summary: "I took a deep breath and let the sound of his voice wash over me, soothing me, and I relaxed." When Logan is deployed, James is left to pick up the pieces. SLASH JAGAN, written in honor of Veteran's day.


**A/N: Ok, so I'm a little nervous about posting this. I've never written slash before, but as I sat down to write, that's just kind of what came out. This was originally meant to be in honor of Veteran's day, and it still is but it also turned into a Christmas story as well. Also this takes place in the future so it is AU, and in this world, gay marriage is legal and Don't Ask Don't Tell is a thing of the past. I'm not completely satisfied with the ending of this but it'll have to work, so hopefully this won't turn out too badly.**

Home Is Where the Heart Is

I hummed as I flipped the burgers. I didn't cook often but Logan was going to be late tonight and Alex needed to eat before midnight, so here I was standing before the stove flipped burgers, lost in thought, and hoping that I didn't screw dinner up too badly. I could remember the first time I had attempted to cook quite clearly. It was back when Logan and I had first gotten together, back in LA at the Palm Woods when we were sixteen and didn't really have to worry about cooking for ourselves, but I was hungry and Mama Knight was out. Everything had gone well at first, but then somehow the stove had caught fire, and yeah, it wasn't pretty. Logan had come running in and saved the day, but I had been banned from the kitchen. When we had gotten married the ban had continued until our son Alex came into our lives. I could wait until Logan came home to eat, but Alex could not and so Logan and I had sat down and he had given me cooking lessons.

I had come a long way since then. I no longer caught things on fire but it was still better for everybody if I just stayed away from the kitchen unless absolutely necessary. I was pulled from my thoughts as Alex cried "Papa!" from his pace at the table. I glanced toward the door shocked to find Logan standing there. He greeted me with a smile and shrugged as he answered my unasked question. "They let me go a little early," he said moving to kiss me on the cheek. "I figured I'd come home and make dinner but it seems that you have everything under control. You're getting better James," he commented.

I glared at him and hit him with the towel I was using to grip the handle of the pan. "Go change," I told him, shaking my head as he laughed at me. He was still in his fatigues having just come from the base.

That was the biggest change in our lives since Big Time Rush had ended nearly eight years ago. We had all loved the singing and dancing but as we grew older, there had been other things we had wanted to do. Kendall had still had his heart set on playing hockey, and surprisingly Carlos had found a passion for fashion after spending just a little too much time with the Jennifers. Logan had already been taking classes towards his medical degree, and as for me, well I had lived my dream and now had a new one. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Logan. So when he proposed, I had immediately said yes, and after much discussion with the others we had mutually decided to end the band. Gustavo wasn't exactly happy, but over the years he had mellowed out and he understood. All of us were still close, Kendall and Carlos living next door, and we saw Gustavo and Kelly occasionally, but the biggest change had come a year later.

Logan had come home from class one day and told me he wanted to enlist. I was shocked. He had never even shown the vaguest interest in the military before and so understandably I was upset. We had only been married for about six months at that point and although I had desperately wanted to support him, I was terrified I would lose him. We were at war and there was that distinct possibility that if he enlisted he would be deployed, and if he was deployed he might never come back to me. He had held me to his chest as I cried and swore to me that he wouldn't do it unless I said it was ok, but I could tell his heart was set on this and although he would sacrifice his happiness for me, I couldn't tell him no.

A few years had passed since then and he had quickly risen through the ranks. He had finished his medical degree and was now using that as a field medic. So far we had been lucky and he hadn't been deployed but I had a feeling his time was coming and I dreaded it. I was selfish and wanted to keep him here with me forever, hide him from the world, but unfortunately that wasn't possible, and I could only hope and pray that fate would put if off just a little bit longer.

My prayers, however, went unanswered as that night as we got ready for bed he looked over at me and uttered the words no human being on this planted ever wants to hear. "James, we need to talk."

I froze, tears immediately welling in my eyes. After a long moment, I managed to finally speak around the lump in my throat. "You're being deployed aren't you?" I whispered. I had heard the rumors that his unit was shipping out but I had desperately hoped they weren't true.

He nodded, settling next to me on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. I was numb, my body in total shock. I had known this was coming but I still couldn't help my reaction. A single tear made its way down my face as I choked out "How long?"

"At least a year, maybe longer."

'At least a year, maybe longer.' The phrase repeated itself over and over in my head. God, what was I going to do without him for a whole year? He pulled me closer to his chest as the tears fell faster, whispering to me soothingly as I broke down completely. Finally, I managed to calm down enough to whisper "I'll miss you." He just held me tighter.

Time flew by and before I knew it, Logan was gone. I spent the first few weeks walking an emotional tightrope. One minute I would be fine, determined to be strong for Alex, who didn't quite understand why his Papa had to leave, and the next I would be a sobbing mess, clinging to Alex tightly, holding close the one piece of Logan I had left. God, I felt like such a girl, but I couldn't help it. Once Carlos had commented that I was acting like he had died. I decked him before immediately falling over myself apologizing, and then I had broken down _again._ This time it was Carlos comforting me and it just wasn't the same, but it helped remind me that I wasn't alone and had two great friends that I could fall back on. From there things began to get better especially after Logan called from Iraq.

Months passed and although I still missed him terribly, I no longer cried whenever someone mentioned his name. Logan tried to call once a week but it wasn't always possible. I wrote to him every free moment I had, sending him updated pictures of Alex and telling him about all the little things he was missing. In return he wrote to me about the people he was helping, and reassured me that everything was fine. I could tell however that he was leaving things out so that I wouldn't worry more than I already was.

I pulled myself from my thoughts, glancing over at Alex sitting at the table drawing. With the holidays getting closer we had decided to send Logan a care package and Alex had wanted to contribute. He looked up from his picture and smiled, his chocolate brown eyes glowing as she held up his work for me to see. "What do you think Daddy?" he asked. It was crude, he was only five after all but it was still pretty easy to guess what it was. The picture contained three figures, the two bigger one, one of them in uniform, were holding hands and smiling down at the third smaller one playing with what looked like a four eyed, five legged pig but was actually supposed to be the dog Alex kept bugging me for.

"This is really good, Alex" I said, handing him the picture back and offering him a smile. He crawled into my lap, leaning back against my chest.

"Do you think Papa'll like it?" he asked me suddenly worried.

"He won't like it," I said, "and do you know why?"

He looked up at me and shook his head, confused.

"Because, he's going to love it."

He flashed me a grin, _Logan's _grin. God, he looked so much like Logan it was unreal. He had Logan's eyes and the same trademark crooked grin. He had the same hair that stuck up all over the place unless it was tamed with a lot of hair gel and he had his face. Every time I looked at Alex it was as if there was a mini-Logan staring back at me.

When we had first decided to ask my sister to be a surrogate for us, I was nervous. I wasn't good with kids, they hated me and I didn't know the first thing about taking care of one. Logan had reassured me that he didn't know anything about raising a child either and that we would learn together. I was still terrified nine months later when Alex had finally arrived, but the moment I had held him in my arms for the first time that fear had all but disappeared. I was especially grateful for Alex's presence now. He was a much needed distraction as awful as that sounds, and he gave me a reason to be a better man. I still cared about my appearance and my hair, but I was nowhere near as bad as I had been.

"Daddy?"

I made a questioning noise in the back of my throat as I was pulled from my thoughts.

"What do you think Papa's doing right now?"

"I don't know bud," I replied. "I bet he's thinking of us though."

I don't know how long we sat there in silence, him on my lap and my arms around him, but it was nice. Alex and I hadn't sat like this since before Logan left. I had been so busy trying to keep things together without Logan, that there just hadn't been time. No, though, I made a vow that I would make time for this. There would come a time when he would no longer want to sit with me like this. I sighed; my little boy was growing up.

_Rrrring… Rrrrring_… I groaned and glanced at the clock as I groped for the phone in the dark. Who in the world was calling at five in the morning?

"Hello?" I mumbled sleepily into the phone once I finally found it.

"Merry Christmas, babe."

"Logan!" I sat up instantly awake.

"I'm sorry did I wake you up? I'll keep this short. This was the only time I was going to be able to call today and I wanted to wish you and Alex a Merry Christmas."

"No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. I needed to be up any way. No need to cut it short." I was nearly hysterical, not wanting him to hang up so soon.

"Hey, it's alright. Calm down. I have some time."

I took a deep breath and let the sound of his voice wash over me, soothing me, and I relaxed.

"So, tell me about you plans for the day," he said.

I talked for half an hour, telling him about the Christmas party Kendall and Carlos had planned and how much we all wished he could be there. Eventually though, he had to go and reluctantly I let him hang up. Alex was going to be disappointed he missed him but Logan had insisted that I let him sleep and told me that he would try to call again the next day.

Logan's call had left me in a good mood and I walked around the house singing Christmas carols and drove Kendall and Carlos nuts as I helped them decorate their house. By the time the party rolled around however, my good mood began to evaporate. Watching all the other happy couples around me drove home the fact that something was missing. I had never felt as alone as I had at that moment.

"Hey." Kendall had come up behind me.

"Hey." I plastered a fake smile on as I turned to face him.

"It does get better you know."

"I know, but I just miss him so much, and it's just so hard…" My smile dropped from my face and I fought back tears.

"It'll be alright," Kendall said hugging me. "Tell you what, why don't you head home. We'll keep Alex for the night."

"You sure?" He smiled and nodded.

"Thanks Kendall."

"No problem, man."

I was bone tired as I walked up the front steps and unlocked the door. The house was dark as I entered and reaching over to flip on the light switch I screamed as the room was illuminated. Tears streamed down my face as I stood in the doorway staring at the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Slowly, I approached him, reaching out a hand, half afraid that he wasn't real and that I was dreaming.

"James," he said and suddenly I was in his arms.

"Logan." He held me tightly as we cried together. I couldn't believe he was here, it didn't seem real, but as we stood shaking in each other's arms, I gave into the wall of emotion that was taking over my entire being.

After what felt like an eternity, our tears finally began to subside and I clung to him, never wanting to let go.

"James," he said and leaned up to kiss me. "Merry Christmas."


End file.
